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Am I Institutionalized?

Hyquawnn Wallace GN8243

"Institutionalized" has many meanings in the dictionary. under the most common of those meanings is basically anyone who has spent any amount of time in an institution. but, in prison, "institutionalized" has had more to do with being conditioned. "being conditioned" I don't mind so much. some of the best trained people in the world are conditioned, like athletes. but, when I think of my conditioning in the sense of being "trained",… and that's more the connotation institutionalized takes on in prison, conditioned with more of a negative connotation like jumping up when you hear keys jingle, or running to your door when you hear another door open, etc. you're essentially trained, we all are, like a well trained animal that performs a act when it hears the clicker it's master clutches in hand. its no different. and I've tried to stay conscious of it and not adhere to the impulses of it, but, if we're being honest (and, we are smh) I still can feel the immediate urge to respond in those ways. does that still mean I'm institutionalized even though I don't perform the act? I'd say no. I'd say I've taken on my on RE training of what the pass 17 plus years have almost engrained in me. I've taken on this retraining in more ways than just not running to my door when I hear something, which after doing years in the hole is really hard. people are institutionalized, or conditioned, in more than just the easily noticeable ways. in prison people are conditioned to do nothing all day. endless days of watch tv, come out play cards or play chess or play dominoes, go in, watch tv, come out, play, play, play. I hate it all so much I haven't played anything for quite some time because I believe that there shouldn't be so much "play" from grown men incarcerated. I can successfully say that I have broke that condition of doing nothing or spending my time playing. some of the others, I will say I haven't fully, and only because they're keeping me safe right now. …I am NoOne Special…

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