Forgotten existence

I have many issues with depression, anxiety, anger, etc.... These facilities will instill that inside you in a hurry. Depression is the biggest and will lead to many other things. I am a singer on the drum in the Native American Circle and it has helped me to become a better person. We have a song for the Forgotten Nations. We are one of those forgotten nations. Sure we put on our game faces in front of others, especially our folks, but believe me when I say that there is sorrow and pain beneath.

The reason for this is the fact the the "System Has Failed"! Once we are convicted we are warehoused and forgotten about. Remember that toy from when you were a child? Your parents put it up years ago and you haven't even considered it since. Oh, sure now it might be worth something or destroyed by time, but until this vary moment you haven't even considered it. Just like us, the Forgotten.

I am and have been a pretty level headed human, respected, leader, trusted. I am extremely proud of those facts. But like most, I harbor a huge darkness within my existence. A depressive darkness that screams my uselessness! I am just a burden to my family and friends out there. How much easier life would be if i did not exist. They wouldn't worry about my safety everyday or feel obligated to send me money or cards on holidays. They wouldn't have to feel guilty about my situation and wonder what if anything could have been done differently.

Should my existence not be, those closest would have so much more to be thankful for. They would save so much energy and Money not worrying and spend it on happier things. My existence is noting more then a burden on society family and friends. Therefore I am nothing more than a parasite that deserves to be forgotten. To be left alone in the dregs of society to rot and absorb resources that will never be replenished.

But wait! What has my existence contributed to mankind? What about e Butterfly that flaps its wings and affects so much. If I was never to have existed, then what would really have happened. Over the decades I have influenced a lot of folks to better themselves. My Grandchildren and Daughter would certainly not be around. I have a friend who would not be solving one of our biggest problems and giving us a huge gift not seen since nuclear fusion. He most certainly would not have married and be so happy together. Countless would have been worse off without me, but then again they would have found relief somewhere else after all that's why they don't accept my calls or send me letters or emails. No one cares!

Oh, the philosophical assumptions go round and round only to circle back to the same thing, my existence is a burden. Well, this leads to anxiety and that is just no good. Can't breath right. The world begins to spin out of control and my body vibrates and shakes. The whole world is collapsing around me and there is nothing that I can do and not one person cares.

Now is when life gets wild in order to preserve itself and I get angry at everything. Sure, sure they are actually legit grips, but dealt with the wrong way. A self destructive anger that only serves to make things worse. Go off and hope that by doing so two things will happen. One, a point will be made and positive change will come out of it. Two, someone will step up to the plate and be able and willing to put me out of my misery. After all, it is my existence that is causing all of the pain and suffering to others and I am tired.

For decades I have been "good". I have lived in an environment that demands constant situational awareness. Is this the time I get got? Will I have to defend myself do to that guys voices? Is the gang over there plotting against me for associating with someone I don't really know? When will the hammer come down for me violating a rule I don't even know? Well my terms are better so I'll call the shot! How do I get home to safety? Safety of being home around family and friends. What a novel concept. Thrown out to the pack without any deprogramming for the transition to "normal life". Now for the real fun part to rear its ugly head, PTSD! Yup, the dreaded and unpredictable " disorder that is present in so many of our heroes. Soldiers, police officers, fire and rescue, doctors, and any other first responders that are out there to serve and protect our freedoms and well being, all suffer from this. Yeah! That's right folks, I am acknowledging them first and foremost because you as a whole tend to FORGET how hard it really is to return to "normal life" after a tragic event.

It may last only a short period but sticks with you nonetheless. 9/11 was a short event but the imprint was and is so great that it sticks with us. A few years in a warzone constantly on guard and not knowing whether or not it is your last day. Another's life in your hands on a regular bases and having to notify the next of kin when you fail. To make sure that justice is served but knowing that someone else has to lose.

To be imprisoned for decades and never knowing what is going to happen. Will I get in trouble for something I had nothing to do with only because of proximity of the incident? Will I get stabbed for saying something I didn't even know was not allowed? Are the voices in his head telling him I am an alien and need to be vanquished? In a line of 200 people will I accidentally bump into a guy and start off something that can't be extinguished easily? Will I have to fight to prove my strength so I don't get constantly bullied by others? Be on guard when a loud noise happens and silence pursues because something is afoot.

Now I have to exist in an environment totally opposite of this. A safe and loving environment and yet what happens when the grandchild bangs something or screams. What is my reaction going to be? I don't want to hurt them and yet what if I can't control myself? What happens if I can't adapt fast enough. I do not want to hurt my family and friends but reactions sometimes happen. I have programmed myself to preserve my existence by any means. Safety in numbers but solitary is best. I know I can trust myself, right?

I want to go home and be with my family with all of my being, but my existence now is different. To have the chance to be the best Human I can be is a dream. I hope and pray everyday that I can have the chance soon. I do not want PTSD to have any control of me. I have embraced my ADHD and most other things that are considered negative. Now I have to learn how to deal with this.

DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT MY EXISTENCE IS ONE OF POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE EVENTS. THAT THE EXISTENCE OF OTHERS ARE ESSENTIAL TO MY OWN. I AM HOPING TO BE ABLE TO HELP OTHERS TO CONTINUE THEIR OWN EXISTENCE IN A POSITIVE WAY. I INVITE ANYONE THAT MAY WANT TO HELP OTHERS IN A POSITIVE WAY TO DO SO. STAND WITH ME AND HELP OUR FELLOW MAN TO EXIST TOGETHER IN A PLEASANT FASHION.

REACH OUT TO SOMEONE THAT HAS BEEN FORGOTTEN AND LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY ARE THOUGH OF. THAT THEY EXIST AND ARE LOVED AND THANK THEM FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE THAT THEY HAVE DONE. WE ALL EXIST TOGETHER ON THIS FLOATING ROCK AND THERE IS NO NEED TO BE IN DURESS IF WE CAN HELP IT.

In closing, be Blessed. Keep your head up. And share a meal with a Forgotten one and I guarantee you both will be better for it. Blessed be.

David Ferguson