In search of one

Johnny: Named by my mother. She fought hard for that name. St. Joseph hospital in Queens N.Y. gave her a hard time allowing her to name me that. Claimed that it wasn't an acceptable name. Cruz: Carried down from my father, and his father, and that's where it ends on that tree. As we know it. I love that name. There's a mystery to it. #NE8878: Named by the Pa. State/System. Would love to hate this one. I definitely bought this. I refuse to Indulge in those negative feelings now a days. Since I grew. On a another note. Always remember your Great/mother's and Great/father's. Forever! Till the end of times. The issue with this genealogy of my father's last name came from my grandfather. My grandfather was found on the door step of a church as an infant. Abandoned by his mother. Reason's unknown. And forever lost in the wind. My father brought 5 of us into existence before taking his own life. Driven by improperly expressing his love. I was 2 years old. So I grew up fatherless, with a single mother all my life. She refused to bring a man around. Could it have been her insecurities within her self, due to her fears that my father created. Or is it the labels that society places on us when our struggles and hard times are displayed. She tried her best with what she knew. I sit here with no blame at all towards her for my dysfunctional/unbalanced up bringing. How can I blame her for not knowing on how to be better through her pains, her struggles. When she wasn't even properly taught correctly on how to over come those battles within. I refuse to hold that over her. We must break these patterns that seem to continue to never end. Since we now know we must put a stop to these oppressions, that are meant to keep us lost from our true self and keep us down. I Love her with my all, from my core of my existence, till my death, for eternity! Only if all can feel what I'm expressing. Only if all can spread unconditional love. For self. For Family. For friend. For neighbor. Etc.. The world will be a better place without a doubt. When filled with unconditional love. Like a force that is like no other. As I sit here understanding all that I have experienced. It has been brought to light all the times that I have gone wrong/acted in negative ways. I had become a product of my environment, successfully. And why? I was part of a system that has always dictated my whole existence from before I was even born. Due to my geographical enclosure. Zip code to be more precise. And the color of my skin. A system in place to keep us from prospering, evolving in an accurate timely manner for the best of our mental well being and physical growth. Before I was even born. My favorite color was already decided. My diet, my look, my education, my beliefs, my choices, my borders, my entire presence, all thee above and below, Etc.. We are dealing with a system that has all the resources to raise up against us, if need be. Not an easy battle, that's for sure. I can go on and on. I was doomed to fail. The odds were definitely against me. By the looks of it, I should have never had a chance to awaken from misleading illusions. Because now I can clearly see. I will take most of the responsibility. I must if I want to properly grow. For the betterment of my mental and my people. Who's my people, ALL Beings, ALL life forms on this planet. We are one and all, at the same damn time! So why? Aren't we in synchronization with ALL! For the betterment of ALL LIFE! We are in a time when many are waking up. Its a slow process, but its happening. I was in the world when I experienced an experience I had no clue of. Heard of it. But never had a complete comprehensive understanding of it. Until it happened. It took a couple of years until I fully understood. Due to not having the proper guidance and proper preparedness. For the awareness of what was going to happen to me. Now I Know more of my capabilities as a unique being of this planet, galaxy. And now I completely understand. Research claims that we are 99.99% absolutely the same. .01% of that left 1% shows a difference in us that defines us in our individuality. It's what separates us from one another. In my growth, this is where I believe my mind is right now. In that .01%. Until I get further conformation of what I have awakened into, this will be what I believe. It reigns supreme over all. And where I would rather remain! (I LOVE WHAT I HAVE FOUND THERE!) I have been searching for all the answers of who I AM, all along they were right within. I AM, 100% the authentic self right now! That's how I truly feel! Someone please enlighten me otherwise. "FEED ME, SEYMOUR!" (FEED ME!) SO I CAN SEE MORE!) Got that from little shop of horror. I don't think anyone really gets what is subliminally being said here. (I WONDER IF IT WAS DONE INTENTIONALLY) I'm so in trouble) I feel now like I don't fit into this world anymore) I AM, but AM not. I AM, definitely in search of others that can relate to my mind right now. I'm going to hard for other's to comprehend. Either I've gone crazy. Or this is what all the suppression and oppression has been all about. Keeping me from getting to this point in my life, where I'm realizing my true existence. My true self! Because I feel like I AM, more than what has been taught to me. Or do I say brainwashed into me. My original authentic self says something completely, oppositely different from what others/powers that be in this physical world say. As I look within, I AM, becoming aware of an existing power and a force that resides and radiates out of me that lies in truth for my best potential growth as possible. (A FORCE LIKE NO OTHER!) GOD LIKE!) LOVE AT IT'S PUREST!) Now I feel like I no longer need the system. It needs me! To have a slave like mentality for it's personal gains. The real question is, "WHO" is really behind the suppressions of our minds, and WHY? "THESE DAMN DEVILS!" They will tell you, that I have done lost it. It's really looking like I have. During my experience of fully understanding my awakening I began to notice that I was not complete. Alone I AM, A force to reckon with, when at my full capacity, well I thought I was at my full capacity. I didn't know that there was a missing piece. At that moment. Now that I AM, writing this, I begin to see how everything fell right into place. She was put right into my path. I never noticed that. Now I truly know that it was meant to be at that time. (FOR THE GROWTH THAT I NEEDED) So I can reach this point in who I now know I AM! Most needed! And to fully understand the importance of the right woman. The importance of a woman to a man. Once correctly tethered to one another y'all end up ("BECOMING A FORCE OF POWER") WHAT THEY CALL A POWER COUPLE") It's been 6 years and I have kept her out of my mind for the last 5. Then out of nowhere she has appeared clearly in my mind to a point where I became stuck on thinking of her. Now I know why. To tell these words. That are driven by love! Once my eye's laid sight on her, I had to have her I told myself. And I did. Instant attraction. Mind and body! A perfect connection! The only thing that I can compare this connection to is, The "YING YANG SYMBOL" A perfect connection with your other and "ALL?". I don't think other's really understand that symbol. (I LOVE IT!) THE BEST SYMBOL I HAVE SEEN TILL THIS DAY THAT MAKES THE MOST SENSE OF ALL!) All at the same damn time! When ONE with SELF and HER! That became a whole different level. It felt like it was magical. 2 forces becoming 1. Once the connection was made with her. I began to grow in ways that are difficult to explain. She subconsciously was healing me from all of my past trauma's, without even being aware of what she was doing. (IT WAS AUTOMATICALLY!) She was repairing me, I her! I was noticing this and making her aware. Creating A stronger bond. In that stronger bond our combined force/energies became stronger. She began to believe! And wanted more! I ended up breaking. Due to my comfortability. One must strive everyday for the greatest life one can have. "POSITIVELY" All of creation is doing it from here to there. There is no slacking, EVER! All life fights for it's own survival. Its a natural instinct. Dog eat dog world. I let my guard down. Made room for that negative force to creep right in. And bring my whole house down. Because I gave it power. "There's always an opposite to everything". Which one will you feed? This connection that I made with her blew my mind. I now want more of a connection similar to that, nothing less. I refuse to cheat my self. I now know. And in knowing, I must be better! Without a doubt, I will be better! It has already been written. Can't tell me nothing. I AM!, ONE! must understand. When I was in the back seat of that police car, I surrendered, completely! I made peace with my situation. (WHICH WAS A FIRST!) I was fully aware of how much time I was looking at. 4th day in the county, I got a visit. It was her, and my little bro. By this time I already had made up my mind. It was a difficult one, but it had to be made. My exact words; You should go on and live your life. Take whatever you want from the crib, and I will give the rest to my lil' bro. She refused to leave. She rode out for six months. Till reality set in. That dear John letter ended up being flown. It hurt, when she finally left. And I cried like a little B!+¢π. But, It was the greatest thing she could have ever given me. It was a (PRICELESS GIFT!) THANK YOU WITH MY ALL!) I wouldn't be in my growth and evolution in mind and body if she never left. Mind you, I was in the middle of an awakening. With her stepping off. It gave me all the time I needed to continue in my growth. With absolutely no distractions. It was beautiful. Its beyond my expression. If only I can show someone that kind of unconditional love power. It would be a "MIRACLE". I told you, I done lost it! A mad man I AM! WOW! If she only knew! May she be blessed. FOREVER+! <3! From the start of my incarceration. In mind, and the voluntary release of my attachments. (I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE FREER!) THAT WAS THE FREEST I HAVE EVER BEEN!) AND I WAS LOCKED UP!) WHAT!) "Until you experience it, you will never understand". My whole approach was on building my mind up. Getting back into line with the flow of life. Playing catch up to my own natural evolution. (This manufactured society has set me so far back in my personal growth) Its ludicrous!) Was my intention. So I can be the best version of my self, for the benefits of all life! (I care and love too much right now, uncontrollably, and I can't help it!) It was like everything was falling out of the sky for me. In perfect harmony. (LAW OF ATTRACTION!) I ended up reading all the right books. In the right order. All at the right times. The more that I became ONE with SELF, the more I reaped benefits. In abundances. That's how I knew I was on the right track. And when I realized my purpose in this world. Don't let me get into the first night of my awakening. (It was the most amazing experience!) That's for another day) So now I have been down 6 years into an 8 to 20 year bid. Its been one hell of a journey. Thee worst. Because I AM, well aware now. (AWAKE!) And I can't never agree with all the ugly that I see, anymore. I'm the odd ball. And I love it. Keeps all the negative energies mostly away. In this environment its all over. The best I can do is not participate or entertain it. At all. Not in me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I ain't no better. Let's be clear. But I must be vigilante with my growth and change that I have become. My life depends on it. My people depend on it. There's only one way, and that's forward. I got people to get to. That's priority. Trumps all. They can keep all this. I won't even get in the way. Don't get me wrong, would be nice if I can have others to build with. That's like asking for the impossible though. I'm telling you the blame is on that ¹/10 of that 1%'s fault. Now I sit here standing alone. I wonder if it is a blessing to have grown the way that I have. I believe that I have found my true self. The purpose of my existence on a greater scale. Who? AM I actually. Without the influence of this mankind made system. Once realizing that I had to delete, reboot and reprogram all of my planted illusions and misdirecting/misleading teachings that mainly made me into a lost slave like collective individual. That kept me from knowing who I actually am, who I AM, suppose to be as a being on this planet, in this galaxy. Am I a beacon of life in all of creation? Now that I AM, (AWAKE!) I had to personally evaluate all of the intentional programming. That defined me as a lost ?, ?, ?,. I usually never talk like this. I find myself alone mostly at times, because I stand alone. So I have to tone it down for the sake of others. Everyone isn't ready for this kind of talk yet. Or will they ever be? And do they want to be? Nah, in most cases. Respect! Live your life to the fullest. Can't no one say anything on how you personally choose to live your life. But, once it effects another in a negative way, Only then, is when its wrong. Wrong and right does exist in the flesh. It truly is a blessing. Because now I know how to unconditionally love my family, my friends, my neighbors, a her, strangers, basically all of life. (EQUALLY!) ALL OF LIFE IS SPECIAL!) It has become the greatest feeling. And I can't get enough of this feeling of love that urns to poor out of me. I want to be loved, so I will give it first, always, till my death, even if it never comes back. I definitely have spent my time wisely. My trials and Tribulation's has brought me to this state of mind. Self mastery of your mind should be #1 on your list. (OVER ALL! OVER ALL! OVER ALL!) Mark my words. If you put anything before that, you will never be your "FULL POTENTIAL!" Believe that! (AND, YOU WILL REAP THE BENEFITS!) How do I know this. Because I do everyday. (PEACE & LOVE 4 ALL)