Ray of Sunshine
"If y'all was capable of getting it, I wouldn't mind explaining
If y'all was capable of getting it, it wouldn't need explaining"
Life is way too short for me to act like I don't miss you a whole f**king lot. I miss every day that I can no longer hear ya voice. Every possible moment to grow in knowing each other. Every milestone of life that we can't share together. I miss our uniqueness. The thing that separated our relationship from everyone elses. I can't act like I understand why you're no longer here. I can't pretend that I forgive the loss of you being here. I can't forgive me, for not being there when you needed me most. Each day I'm tortured by the absence of your existence. Each day I hate a part of that day because something in it reminds me that I can't talk to you. Even if you couldn't talk back, telling you I love you and being absolutely sure you heard me, would make a life full of difference, but I don't have that. I have no assurances whatsoever of anything at all. I don't know if you're anywhere. I don't know if you're doing anything. I don't know if I deserve to see you again, even though I don't know if anything like that is even possible. I feel like I wasted our chance and our time, and I hate that our time is over. I don't blame prison. Nor do I blame the circumstances that led me here, I blame me. I blame me for being here. I blame me for not being able to free myself from this existence quickly enough to save yours. Grief isn't easy for me. It isn't brief and it isn't clean. For me grief is what it feels like to never forgive again. Not me, and definitely not life. There is nothing I can do. I will be at war with the pain of your loss for the entirety of my life. I will carry you. I will love who and what I have left with the passion, investment and commitment that you deserved, that I didn't know how to give. Our uniqueness will forever be frozen as what it was and I will never let its memory fade. I will never let you disappear. I love you.